Feb 21, 2008

sentimentality

it's hard to write this without mentioning names, but i'll try it nonetheless. that's one thing about my favoured pen-and-paper outlet...it takes A LOT of energy to be writing 10, 20-page entries at 4am! so typing will have to do. in any case, i suspect no one will read this so omitting names isnt even necessary, and iguess iw ill be too embarrassed with what i typed at this ungodly hour that i;ll remove it anyway..

i miss you. and you and you and you. and you.
what have we become?
maybe it's me, i will not rule that out. but somehow, i doubt it. OH, dont think i mean its YOU. it's other people. people outside our nice little world who have trespassed. (except that trespassers cannot be prosecuted... YES PPL> the sign is a fallacy, nonetheless effective in its utilitarian concept of scaring people off. how apocryphal. thats what you get from a typical law student. at least one who listens 70% of the time. PSHAW!)

people change, things change, relationships change. should one enjoin oneself from feeling disappointed? hurt? sad?
these emotions are very raw, and very real. and in all honesty, when i feel taht stab in my heart, yes, it does actually hurt. if you dont know what that feels like, then i guess it;ll only be a matter of time.
(what, you thought "heartache" was a metaphor?)

but the strength in one's character can be said to be found in the way in which he reacts. a la Newton... do you get on with life, try to patch things up, do something about it, mope, or let it slide?
i'm not sure which option i'd pick, but necessarily it can be said that i CAN get on with life;whether or not the level is optimal, thats another thing.

even worse. when the person's moved on and you havent. GOSh doesnt that just feel like christmas day for you? he casually walks past, nary a glance in your direction; you try to execute the same thing..only you end up looking suitably decapitated. decrepit. dejected. they all go together, each one worse than the next, all of them a scary multiplier of the other, drowning you in a mire of NO WAY JOSE.
(this , btw, does not refer to, or is not confined to, the concept of an ex. PLEASE. i'm not good terms with everyone ive dated, save one.)

either way, when you lose someone in your life...not so much through a big bang, explosive LOST type pyrotechnic blast, but through a casual, gradual drifting, the ebb and flow of life's current moving you apart, till all you have is the distant horizon, the cold of the ocean against your blue skin, and the piece of driftwood you so desperately cling to.

WHAT THEN?

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